14. What is a Parenting Plan and Why You Probably Need One

In this episode Matthew Brickman dives into what a parenting plan is, what it looks like and why you probably need one. Discover how this useful document can eliminate all the messy legal terms like "custody", "visitation", "access" and streamline the process of raising children after separation or divorce.

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Matthew Brickman is a Florida Supreme Court certified family and appellate mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. But what makes him qualified to speak on the subject of conflict resolution is his own personal experience with divorce.

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Matthew Brickman
President iMediate Inc.
Mediator 20836CFA
iMediateInc.com

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ABOUT MATTHEW BRICKMAN:
Matthew Brickman is a Supreme Court of Florida certified county civil family mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. He is also an appellate certified mediator who mediates a variety of small claims, civil, and family cases. Mr. Brickman recently graduated both the Harvard Business School Negotiation Mastery Program and the Negotiation Master Class at Harvard Law School.

Transcript

Mediate This! Introduction: 0:00

Hi, my name is Sydney Mitchell. Hi, I'm Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution.

Matthew Brickman: 0:14

In this episode of the Mediate This! Podcast, I amnot joined by Sydney today, but I'm going to be taking you through the beginning stages of a parenting plan. So we're going to start tearing apart a parenting plan together. And my goal is to empower you so that when you are coming to mediation, you already know what the basic rules are. You know what a parenting plan should look like. The devil is in the details. And so let's just dive right in to what is a parenting plan. So a parenting plan, think of it like this. It's the corporate docs that structure a competent, and the parents are two equal joint CEOs of the company. There are days where one parent is going to go into the office and run the company. And there's days where the other parent's going to run the company. But guess what? The two parents are never going to be in the office at the same time. And so the parenting plan is like the corporate docs, that structure, that company so that each parent knows what they can and cannot do when they're running the company. Nobody can go rogue. So God forbid that mom comes in after dad's ran the company, a dad is fired. Her mom says, well, where's my HR director. Oh, I fired him. Well, you can't do that. So your parenting plan is the corporate docs. It's all the rules of how the company is structured. And it's interesting that they call it a parenting plan, not a child plan because generally it's the parents that are acting like children and the parents need the rules so that they can be the parents. So they get a parenting plan. So the first part of the parenting plan, we're just going to jump right into it. The first part of the parenting plan, the first five pages is basically statutory language. And so the first page deals with the statute. And let me just preface this. Like I usually do that. I'm not giving legal advice. I'm taking you through my parenting plan. And if you need legal advice for your particular case, absolutely reach out to an attorney and get the legal advice that you need for your particular case. But for my parenting plan, I'm going to take you through it, of what I do every single day. So the first parenting or the, the first page of the parenting plan deals with, um, the rights of the child, the child has rights to the parents. The parents don't have rights to the child. So chapter 61, one, three of Florida statute says, quote, it is public policy of this state and each minor child has frequent continuing contact with both parents. After the parents separated, the marriage of the parties is dissolved to encourage the parents to share the rights and the responsibilities and joys of childbearing. There's no presumption for Oregon's the father or mother of the child, or for, or against any specific time sharing schedule when creating or modifying the parenting plan of the child. So sometimes a parent will say, well, I'm not going to give them that much time sharing to which I say you're absolutely right. In fact, don't give them any time sharing because it's not yours to give it's the child. The child is entitled to frequent and continuing contact with both parents. The next paragraph talks about, and I call it my common sense paragraph. It says the courts, as well as the parents, understand that life will happen and changes to the parenting plan will need to occur. Oh, the parents will attempt to cooperatively resolve any disputes, which may arise over the terms of the parenting plan. And they can modify or variate on a temporary basis when they agree in writing. But if they do not agree well, then this parenting plan is going to be the governing document of rules and regulations until further order of the court. So this is the default. You guys can modify this all day long, as long as you agree in writing, if you don't agree well, then this is going to be what you have to deal with. So when you come to mediation to create it, um, what I, what my hopes through this podcast is, is to give you the power, give you the knowledge, give you the information to expedite the process. So you're not spending a lot of money with me or with the attorneys hearing this for the first time. And, um, just, you know, creating more conflict. I want you to have the information. I want you to have the power. I want you to have the knowledge because in mediation, you guys are in charge your attorneys. Aren't in charge. I'm not in charge. You guys are in charge. You guys can do whatever you want. And so my, my, my hopes of this podcast is to give you the information so that you're prepared to come in and be productive in your mediation. So after that section, we then name who are the parents, the children. And then we get to jurisdictional language. And the jurisdictional language is just standard that says, okay, United States is the country of habitual residence of the child. And it names, the state that has jurisdiction over the child, and then it names the venue. Um, so for example, where I live in Palm beach County, Palm beach County is the venue for a particular case or Broward County is the venue for a particular case. Um, the next paragraph talks about, um, all of the laws and rules that are out there regarding parental kidnapping. So this parenting plan will protect you with all of those rules as well. So that already takes us to section four of your parenting plan, which deals with parental responsibility. And decision-making. So let me just start out with reading you what the statute says, and then we'll back up just slightly. So the statute, Florida statute six, 1.1, three States, quote, the court shall order. That's a command shall order that parental responsibility for a minor child be shared by both parents, unless the court finds that shared parental responsibility would be detrimental to the child. So in Florida, that is the place it's shared parental. Now there are three types you have sold parental you have shared with ultimate, and then you have shared so in the 13 plus years or so that I've been doing mediation. I think I've seen sole parental twice. Um, and sole parental simply means that one parent can make all decisions. Doesn't have to discuss, talk, communicate, um, share anything with the other parent, even with, say, for example, a long distance, and I've even done out of country time sharing. I have not seen soul soul is rare, beyond rare. It's probably like seeing a unicorn. Um, the next one is shared with ultimate decision making that says that, okay, everybody's got to communicate and share stuff, but if the parties cannot come to an agreement, well, then one parent can override, um, a particular issue, generally it's education and medical, but that's even rare because again, the statute says that the court shall order, that it's shared, unless they find that a choice or a decision that a parent has made would be detrimental to the child. So that means that before you even get anywhere close to setting this up, you've probably spent tens of thousands of dollars with your attorney in court for a judge to make a specific finding that shared parental would be detrimental. Um, it's rare, uh, not as rare as the unicorn, but it's still rare. So moving on to what is parental responsibility and decision-making when it's shared, what exactly does that mean? So what that means is this, and we're just going to go through a whole laundry list. We actually have a through Q to go through. So what that means is this neither parent is going to have more or less decision-making than the other parent. The parents will confer with each other and share decision making authority with a view toward arriving at decisions that promote the best interest of their child. Neither parent is going to unreasonably withhold consent. And neither parent is unilaterally going to make a change in the child's situation without the agreement of the other parent. So the next section talks about, um, access to medical and school records. So both parents are going to have access to all medical and all school records. Both parents are going to have access to talk with any teachers, daycare, providers, doctors, and therapists, anybody that is associated with the child. Um, when it comes to scheduling appointments, the parties have to use their best efforts to coordinate the appointments. So both parents can attend. Um, if one parent is not able to attend in person, and if they want to appear by phone or by Skype or by FaceTime or Google Hangouts or zoom, or if they want to appear, um, virtual or telephonic, then they can at their choice. And the other parent has to allow, um, all prescription medication for the children has to be given to the child as prescribed by the doctor. And if the child is told that they have to wear glasses or braces or retainers or hearing AIDS, then the parents have to make sure that the child adheres to whatever the doctor, therapist, or physician States, um, under Florida statute, section six one one three, two B3, a either parent can consent to mental health treatment for the child. Um, both parents have to cooperate with sharing information related to health, education, and welfare of the child. And they have to sign all documents to make sure that both parents have access to all those records. Both parents can review law enforcement records concerning their child. Hopefully that never happens. Both parents must be listed as an emergency contacts for the child. Both parents have to provide each other with copies of the minor child's birth certificate, social security card and medical insurance cards. If either of the parents move or change their mailing address or change their, any of their phone numbers, then they have to tell the other parent in writing within 24 hours of changing it and they have to notify the court within seven days of changing it. If either parent has any knowledge, um, of illness accident or hospitalization or any circumstance that affects the health of the child, they have to immediately notify the other parent via telephone. Um, less the parties otherwise agree. Neither parent can say that the child can engage in an activity. If the child is scheduled to be with the other parent and neither parent can enroll the child in any activity that takes place when the child is scheduled to be with the other parent, the parents have to agree to all extracurricular activities, daycares, and school, and they all so have to agree on the summer camps, aftercare programs and daycare chairs as well, each parent. And I know this is going to go into the realm of common sense, but a lot of this is common sense and we have to put it in a parenting plan because common sense, these days seems so rare. It should be a super power, but this next section, yes, both parents must maintain the grooming and personal hygiene of the child while the child is in their care. Your child has to take a bath. Your child has to brush their teeth. Your child has to use deodorant. Um, you're, you know, you've, you've got to maintain the grooming and personal hygiene of your child. The next section is very, very, very important. And this is, this is probably one of the most violated sections because it can be so, um, violated, not intentionally, but even just huffing and puffing and rolling your eyes. You can technically violate this section. So you just really need to be hyper aware, but both parties, both mom and dad shall exercise in good faith, their best efforts to encourage and foster the maximum relation of love and affection between the child and the other parent, neither parent shall in any way, impede, obstruct, or interfere with the other parent's relationship with the child and neither mom or dad. I'm just going to summarize this a long paragraph, but I'm gonna summarize it. Neither mom and dad are allowed to talk smack about the other parent, their significant other, their spouse, their family members. They're not allowed to do it in front of the child, but they're also not allowed to do it on email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, not allowed to disparage the other parents. It's just, it's not good. Just remember that your child is half of that other parent. And so when you knock that parent, you're actually knocking your child and you're going to do some irreparable damage to your child. So just, just don't do it. Um, next guess what? Um, only the biological mother and father are to be called mother, mom, mommy, father, dad, pop, et cetera. So you are to encourage your child, that it's only biological mom and biological dad. Now, if your child chooses to call somebody else, uh, by one of those titles, what you're to encourage that look, it's just bio, mom and dad. That's what the rules say next. Um, your, your kids' things are your kids. Things. They're not yours. You bought them for the child. Therefore they belong to the child. So it says both parents shall provide the child with his or her own set of school in play clothes in his or her own home. And the child is allowed to take their own clothing and personal effects. And then it lists a whole litany of personal effects, um, that they're allowed to take back and forth to the other parent's home, regardless of which parent or family member purchased that item for the child. So this, these things belong to your child. Your child is allowed to take them back and forth, uh, passwords to access electronic devices, excluding account passwords for purchasing apps or programs shall be provided by each parent upon creation and or change to set a password. And then, uh, the final number Q letter Q and shared coral responsibility is that each parent will utilize their best parenting technique to encourage the timesharing that is outlined in the parenting plan. This includes, but is not limited to encourage you the child to exercise the timesharing plan and using any other tool that they use at other times to gain compliance. When the child doesn't follow the directive of the other parent. So if normally you would ground your child for not listening to you and your child says, well, I'm not going you, you can't make me well, your duty is to encourage that. And then to use whatever other tool to say, then fine, you're going to be grounded. I'm taking this away. I'm taking that away. Um, you have to use whatever tools you've got at your disposal for normal punishment in order to gain compliance. But please remember, before we go further, please remember your child has an opinion. They do not have a say, you are the parents. This is the parenting plan. It's a parenting plan because mom and dad need rules because you are in charge. Your child is not in charge. So your child has an opinion, but they do not have a say and inmates should never be running the asylum. If you do, then that's going to create chaos in your life and in your household. But according to the courts, they have an opinion, but they don't get a, say, a lot of people are like, well, when does my child get a say, when they're 18, when they're low, longer subject to a parenting plan, because until then you ain't got a parenting plan. This next section is a very important section of the, uh, parenting plan, because it deals with day-to-day decisions. This is the micromanaging of what happens on a day-to-day basis. So each biological parent is allowed to make their own decisions in their own home without any interference from the other parents. So what does that include? What does, what does that like? Okay. Day-to-day decisions. Well, it says it includes, but is not limited to grounding punishments, bedtimes, house rules, chores, what? To eat monetary allowances, what to watch on TV movies to watch video games, to play. Each parent can make their own decisions. You know, one of the beautiful parts about a divorce or the separation of parents that are not getting along in a paternity action is you're no longer the boss of me. Like the other parent does not get to control you any longer, but guess what? You don't get to control them either. You guys get to make your own decision in your own home without any interference from the other parent. And then the final section under shared parental responsibility is, uh, just recaps and expands on extracurricular activities. So it says that both parents can go to the activity, even if it's not their assigned day for timesharing. And whoever's got the child will take the child to in front of the activity and make sure they've got all their stuff so they can participate in the activity. So that, that gets you through the first four sections of a parenting plan. And next, I want to go into communication because as most people are aware, the number one cause of a divorce, or even the breakdown of a relationship that causes a paternity action is a failure to communicate. It's always communication. Now, generally they say in a marriage, what is the breakdown of communication about well it's finances. But what we hope to do in a parenting plan is to get the parents in a place where they can have healthy communication. So it States all communication regarding the child shall be between the parents. The parents shall not. That's a command. You are not to use your child as a messenger to convey information as questions or set up. Schedule changes. Communication shall only be about the child and shall not be harassing in nature. So how are you to communicate? So sometimes people can just communicate normal, like person, telephone, email, and text, but sometimes people need help. Uh, maybe they, um, have had issues, not responding in a timely manner via text message, or maybe they never pick up the phone and maybe they just always end up fighting on the phone. And so they just want to email, but sometimes things get lost in translation with email. And, you know, sometimes people have, you know, courage to say things on text and email that they shouldn't, and it gets them into trouble. So there are websites out there just so everybody has hope. There are websites out there to help. So three websites that are, that are currently in use at the time of recording. This is our family wizard.com, talking parents.com and app close.com. So let me just break down these story. Um, our family wizard has been around the longest. It's a funnel, all three of these are phenomenal programs. They've got pluses and minuses, and I'm just going to highlight some of the pluses and minuses for each of them. But our family wizard is phenomenal. They've got a shared family calendar and, um, um, all of your, all of your communication goes through there. Every message is time and date stamp for when you send it, when you view it, when you respond to it, you can exchange documents through, uh, the app. The app is Android and iOS, and you can log on through the website as well. Um, they even have a tone meter, so you can pay a little extra. And this one is a, is a paid app. Um, and so you could pay a little extra on your monthly fee to have a tone meter, which will actually highlight the words that you use in different colors, so that you can be aware of the language that you're using as you're communicating. Um, so it's a useful tool. Um, and so you can go to our family, wizard.com and look at their pricing. Um, the next one is talking parents.com, talking parents.com used to be free. Uh, they do have a skim down version that is still currently free, but if you want the full features of talking parents, that one too, has a cost associated with it. Um, and they, uh, have a calendar. I mean, J basically the same things that our family wizard has. I do not believe at the time of this recording. They have a tone meter, but a lot of the other features they have, but there is a cost to it slightly less than a family wizard, but it still has a cost to it. There was a new one that just recently came on the scene called app close. It has all of the bells and whistles of our family wizard and talking parents. Um, except I do not believe they have the tone meter, but they have everything else. Um, and, but it is completely free and they even, um, have the ability to do the reimbursement of payments and what not. And we're going to get into that in just a minute, but reimbursement of payments and monies you could do through their program through, uh, an app I believe, or an internal, uh, financial component, that's like PayPal, it's called. I pay you so that you can keep all of your communication exchange of documents, calendaring, everything there. And what's really great about all three of these is that, um, in the event that there's ever a problem, then you can export the records. Some of my believable, our family wizard and talking parents, there is a cost for exporting records at the app at this time. Uh, according to app close, all exploitative records is free, but you can export the records or the judge. If you have to go to court, your attorney can log on and read, uh, the communications and it's unaltered. You can't go in and edit it. It's unaltered communication. And what's really good is, um, you know, people tend to behave better if it's easier to see what was going on, nobody's monitoring this, but, um, it can be reviewed unaltered and it makes it really easy for trial preparation and for evidentiary hearings, um, to, uh, get all of this opposed to trying to go back and find emails and text messages. And, uh, uh, I've seen people modify emails and text messages and omit, um, conversations. And so these are really good tools. Now, once, once in a, in a parenting plan, once you figure out whether or not you're doing it, person, telephone, email, or text, or you're using our family wizard, or you're using talking parents, or you're using app close, once we figure out how you're going to communicate, then there's a whole paragraph about what you're going to communicate. So if any letter note receipt for reimbursement documents, school, project assignment, email correspondence, or text message, anything like report cards, progress reports, attendance records, scheduled meetings with teachers or doctors. Then whoever has this information has to exchange it through whatever means of communication that they have already selected. So there's a lot of things that everybody is going to be exchanging, but keep in mind, there are certain days where one parent is going to be in the office, running the company as a CEO, and there's going to be days where the other parent is in the office, running the company as a CEO, when we talk time sharing, well, the two CEOs have to communicate or they're going to their, their, their company is going to fail. And so what we're doing is we're giving everybody tools to be able to communicate in a healthy way so that they can move forward next. And final is how the two people are going to communicate with their child when the child was with the other parent. So it says in the parenting plan that both parents shall keep their contact information, current and telephone or other electronic communication between the child. The other parent should not be monitored placed on speaker phone or interrupted by the other parent. And electronic communication can mean a telephone text, messaging, email, web cam video conference, that equipment, anything that supplements face-to-face contact and the child can have all forms every day. Common sense shall be used by the parents when defining any time. And the, and the parent not exercising time sharing shall be allowed to communicate with the child, but the communication will not be excessive, which may interfere with the other parent's time-sharing. Now sometimes people elect to deal with cell phones and electronic communication devices. And so sometimes in a parenting plan, we will deal with that. Now the court's not going to deal with those things, but sometimes the parents want to, and you guys can always add to this parenting plan and make it particular to your family. So for example, I had a mediation recently, we added that the parent who provides the communication device for the child is responsible for the monthly cost of the device. But if the device is lost, damaged, or stolen, when that, uh, when that occurs, then the parent who's with the child is responsible to replace the device that way. Say, for example, that mom who buys the device, um, has the insurance on it. But every time that this device gets damaged, lost, or stolen, it happens to be a dad's house. It falls off the car gets run over by the car falls in the pool. It falls in the toilet. Well, moms should not have to keep hanging the deductible over and over because dad just doesn't care and is not teaching the child responsible, uh, responsibility. So, um, so we put that in there so that both parents will be put on. Notice, we also put that both parents are gonna make sure that their phones, as well as the child's phone is plugged in and charged daily to allow communication. I can't tell you how many times I hear, I keep calling the phone that I provided for my child, and it goes straight to voicemail. And we talked to you to the parent. They're like, Oh, well, it wasn't charged guys. It is your job as parents to teach your child responsibility, accountability, and consequence. And so ads, whatever age they get a phone. And I know it's getting earlier and earlier and earlier, they're getting them younger and younger these days. But when you get them a phone, teach them responsibility. And then the last piece of that is removal of the device for disciplinary purposes. I've had this go two ways. There's not a right or wrong way to do this. I've had it. Where were the parents say that neither parents is going to remove the phone as a form of reasonable punishment. I've also had it that if a parent does remove the phone as a form of reasonable punishment, then they have to immediately notify the other parent that they did. So, and set up an alternative form of communication because you cannot block communication. Well, that's going to conclude our discussion today in this episode, but be sure to listen to our next episode, as we continue diving deeper into the parent, Occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q&A bonus episodes where we will answer your questions and give you a personal shout out.

Speaker 3: 27:55

If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that's info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Speaker 1: 28:11

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.