Creative Options for Handling Holiday Timesharing in a Parenting Plan

In this episode Matthew Brickman and Sydney Mitchell talk about sharing time throughout the holidays for children being raised in separate household. Matthew and Sydney discusses how the choices made for what essentially is the child's entire childhood are handled in a parenting plan. Discover how useful parenting plans are, how they eliminate all the messy legal terms like "custody", "visitation", "access" and streamline the process of raising children after separation or divorce.

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Matthew Brickman is a Florida Supreme Court certified family and appellate mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. But what makes him qualified to speak on the subject of conflict resolution is his own personal experience with divorce.

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Matthew Brickman
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Mediator 20836CFA
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ABOUT MATTHEW BRICKMAN:
Matthew Brickman is a Supreme Court of Florida certified county civil family mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. He is also an appellate certified mediator who mediates a variety of small claims, civil, and family cases. Mr. Brickman recently graduated both the Harvard Business School Negotiation Mastery Program and the Negotiation Master Class at Harvard Law School.

Transcript

Mediate This!: 0:00

Hi, my name is Sydney Mitchell. Hi, I'm Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This! Podcast, where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution,

Sydney Mitchell: 0:14

Everybody today, Matthew and I are going to be tackling the holiday schedule. What does holiday time sharing look like? What are some different options? What are people doing nowadays? And just kind of dive in what's what does this typically look like?

Matthew Brickman: 0:29

Let's first start off with minor holidays. Um, it's almost, I'm going to say almost, it's almost a given that mother's day weekend is mother's day father's day weekend. His dad's right. Almost except in my case, um, I did not get father's day weekend, but I got mother's day. Um, because my, my ex lived out of state. So we had an out of state plan. She had the kids all summer and of course father's day is during the summer mother's day is during the school year. So I got mother's day and, uh, she got father's day. Um, what was interesting? I'll never forget my son. I think he was six at the time. Six or seven, I think. Um, and it was the first time that he was going up to New York. And I remember that, uh, I realized I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm not going to have you for father's day. And my kid, Oh my gosh. One child of the year. Like he's, he's almost 23. Yeah. Almost 23 still child of the year because of this. Because of what he told me, he told me, he said, well, dad, that's okay. We don't celebrate you just one day of the year. We celebrate you every day. You're like, Oh. And especially from the little six year old boy,

Sydney Mitchell: 1:41

He was only six. Uh,

Matthew Brickman: 1:43

But, but I mean the brilliance, like, and I was like, wow, you're right. But you don't want Sydney. We had talked in the previous episode about, you know how, from a child's perspective, you know, you were on these parenting plans. This is it's all how you sell it to them. And I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm not going to see you. And he was like, he was more grown up going, dad, it's fine. We celebrate you every day. I was like, huh? Cause I'm thinking, Oh my gosh, I'm not going to see my kid on this particular all that day. Um, but it's all how you sell it. So again, depending on what people choose for their weekday weekend schedule depends on what these minor holidays look like. What did I say minor holidays? I'm not saying that these are not credible because some of these are religious holidays, but just minor, like major we're talking winter break, spring, break Thanksgiving and saw the rest of it is reminder. So, um, like president's day Martin Luther King day, Memorial day, labor day, maybe Columbus day, um, maybe Easter. Um, we've got some Jewish holidays, like Passover, Hanukkah, Yom couple or Rosh Shauna. So, you know, some, you know, and then, you know, we've got some Muslim holidays, like whatever holidays people want, we've got those. But depending on what do with their weekday weekend schedule, sometimes what we do to Sydney as well, actually totally just take out like all these long holiday, Monday, like present day, the King day, Columbus day, we take these out. They'll just follow their regular schedule. Like when we talk to the other one, like if they have a two to three or a two to five, five schedule, well then this will just interrupt that and just discombobulate it and make it confusing and bad rather than just following a regular day. Right? We do that. Sydney. We've got a sentence here that says any Friday or Monday school holiday or teacher workshop day or any other type of day, which the child is not attending school that either proceeds or follows the regular or the parents' regular scheduled weekend. Well then that parents are entitled to the extra day. Well then it's sort of a catch all that. Then you're not having to worry about all of these little particulars. So the other thing too, is some people don't want mother's day weekend. They just want the day mother's day someday. They don't want the whole weekend. Well, I encourage people to always take weekends, not president's day, not King day, not Memorial day but weekend. Because number one, what it does is it helps with the whole pick-up drop-off scenario, right? So the drop-off is still a school. So that of goes into transportation, which we'll get into in a future episode. Also it gives an opportunity for travel, say, for example, that it's mother's day weekend, but like you were with your dad, right? But your mom wants to plan a girl's weekend with you and her mother, your grandma, the three of you are going to be good, something fun for mother's day, week. Well, it gives that opportunity, right? All about creating value, not just consuming value, creating value. So I like doing weekends opposed to just the day. Um, now when we get into Jewish holidays, now we got to get a little bit more specific because these can be, you know, eight nights of Passover, like, okay, we're just gonna take off. No, we usually define like the first night of Passover or the first night of Hanukkah. Um, um, and so, you know, we may define those. One of the other problems that we sometimes run into is Easter. Sometimes Easter falls inside of spring break. And so then sometimes what we'll do is we'll actually add a sentence that says like so long as Easter weekend does not interfere with spring break. The parties will alternate the weekend. If Easter should interfere with spring break, then spring break schedule shall prevail. So we build in things to help people navigate all the little nuances. But we talk through this family to family, coupled a couple individual to individual. How does this to work with your family, your religion, your belief systems. What do you, what holidays do you care about? I had one recently where, um, mom was Christian dad was Jewish. Well, that was pretty simple. He got all the Jewish holidays. She got all the Christian holidays done, no issues. That was pretty simple when you've got, you know, to Jewish, to Christian, to Muslim, like, okay, now, and then they're fighting over those. Okay. Now we're going to be like, okay, well then what we do is we will stagger them and just say even an odd, cause we won't give one parent all the long holidays one year and then the other parent gets none of them. So like president's day, weekend, mom may have even years, but then Martin Luther King day weekend she'll have audio. So we just stack. Then we also have a, um, we also deal with thanks giving. And it's important that, you know, when people come to mediation that they've thought through, what do they want to do? Are they thinking with any of these holidays? Are they thinking day break weekend? Like how do you want to define it with little kids and be like, like for example, um, we had a, what, how was it? Tell me, tell me how were holidays with you? Because like you were like little when you started like three all the way through 18 and things changed. How did you guys do holidays before I get into explain how this is done? How did you do holidays being a child of divorce?

Sydney Mitchell: 7:19

So I remember for Christmas, I would always do Christmas Eve with one parent and Christmas day with the other two. I did Christmas Eve with my mom every year and Christmas Eve or Christmas day with my dad every year.

Matthew Brickman: 7:36

When would you exchange? Cause we're going to get into that winter break in a more in a minute. Which evening would you exchange Christmas morning. Christmas,

Sydney Mitchell: 7:45

I think in the evening on Christmas Eve. I think if I'm, if I'm remembering correctly. Yeah. I think we had exchange or, you know what, I don't know. My F my parents are, you know, they're not besties or anything, but they're cordial. So they're both pretty flexible, you know, you know, and so there wasn't really any strict, you know, during our weekday and weekend schedule outside of holidays, you know, it was always, my dad dropping me off and picking me up. And there were some things like that, that we did and have established, but for the most part, they were both pretty, you know, willing to be flexible. Um, but, but yeah, I think so that was for Christmas. I did one at one home, one at the other, and I think we did the exchange on Christmas Eve evening, but I could be wrong.

Matthew Brickman: 8:31

You guys do anything special for new year's? Is that a holiday? You guys did anything?

Sydney Mitchell: 8:36

No, we didn't. We didn't, unless one parent was traveling. Like if mom, you know, we, you know, she was planning a trip for us to go up North and visit all of our extended family, you know, then of course, you know, they had to agree upon that. And again, my parents were cordial, so, you know, my father, you know, was totally okay with that and things like that. How'd you guys do Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving? I think I switched every other. Yeah.

Matthew Brickman: 9:00

So like one year with your mom when you're with your dad? I think so. And did you do the day, Thanksgiving day or the break? Did you have the whole break?

Sydney Mitchell: 9:08

I think we switched on and off the day. And then the break was just, my parents were still working, so we just continued our regular schedule.

Matthew Brickman: 9:17

What about Twitter? What else? Spring break would you guys do? Just regular schedule or were you with one for one? And

Sydney Mitchell: 9:23

I think I alternated back and forth.

Matthew Brickman: 9:26

Okay. And then what about the summer? Do you guys just follow a regular schedule? Pretty much. Yeah. And then, um, did you do anything with these long holiday weekends? Like president's day Martin Luther King? Or do you just follow your regular schedule? Like whoever

Sydney Mitchell: 9:38

Follow a regular schedule? I mean, any traveling that we would do typically would be around holidays or over, you know, a spring break or something like that. So, so, yeah, I don't think on some of these major, you know, or other minor holiday weekends, we would have any additional, you know, at a time plans and things like that.

Matthew Brickman: 9:55

Okay. So let's start with Thanksgiving where then we're going to get into winter, which deals with Christmas, Christmas Eve, like, like, like you brought up spring break and celebrate. So Thanksgiving break. So we're, we're where we live here in Florida. Um, most of the counties have now gone and divided up when they define the break, the kids are now getting the entire week off. Um, it used to be that they would get out like Wednesday and then they were off Wednesday. Then Thursday of course is Thanksgiving, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. They go back to school Monday. Now what they've been doing is they've been getting out on Friday and then they're out the weekend, the entire week and the weekend. So it's 10 overnights. And so it's important for people to know, you know, do they want the break or do they just want the day Sydney? I've had people that have split the day, which, Oh my gosh, you talk about just a lot of chaos for a child. Um, I've had people alternate just the day, just like you had said. Um, I always encourage people on paper to alternate the break. And here's why this paperwork is going to be pulled out when the parents are not getting along. And so everybody should be entitled to their own vacation break. Like if you're getting divorced or you've got a paternity action and you're not really cordial and getting along with the other party to say, Hey, um, I would like to take the child and you need permission to invade that other parent's designated timesharing. Odds are a hundred percent of the time you're going to get now. And then you're never traveling. And especially like, if you're dealing with little kids to be four or five, six, like life is going to happen, mom or dad was probably going to meet somebody, maybe get remarried. And they're going to want to travel with that spouse to maybe their families. The parenting plan says that you're split in the day and you want to travel to that significant other spouse's family. You're never going, unless your ex gives you permission. So I always encourage people on paper put that is that you're entitled to a break. But then like you said, Sydney, if you're, if you're working, you're not going anywhere nothing's happening. You can do

Speaker 3: 12:17

Your own thing, make your own agreement,

Matthew Brickman: 12:20

But at least on paper when you're not getting along. Cause that's when this is going to be pulled out. At least you're never asking permission of the other party. Right. Um, and so I like, and I mean, I encourage with all the time, do the break, not the day know sometimes, sometimes like for example, let's move into winter break. Okay. Winter break could be done so many different ways. Um, and there's no right way or wrong way. We talk through this in mediation to figure out, okay, how are things with your family? Just like you, Sydney, my accent. I never had an issue with, with Christmas because my family always had Christmas Eve has always had Christmas day. It's never an issue ever. Now we did it. We did a morning exchange. Um, so, so, you know, I had the kids Christmas Eve we'd go to church. We would come home, we would eat, we would open a presence, stay up late. Kids would go to bed, wake up the next morning, I take them over to their moms.

Speaker 3: 13:17

Right. Um,

Matthew Brickman: 13:20

And other than that, we were following our regular schedule because we rarely went, I don't, I don't know if we have a Wrangler over Christmas. I mean, it was very expensive. Plus we live in Florida. Everyone was coming here to see us.

Speaker 3: 13:31

Um, but for those

Matthew Brickman: 13:32

That don't live in Florida, you know, you gotta, you know, I gotta consider that. So

Speaker 3: 13:38

Typically though, because you've been,

Matthew Brickman: 13:40

We looked at these other models in the, and the other episode, when we looked at the weekday weekend time-sharing we looked at the models, the models, all split, whatever, and half and alternated the halves. So one parent one year we'd get the first half, which included Christmas, even Christmas day and the next, and then the other parent would get the second half, which included new year's Eve and new year's day. And the next year they don't get slept. Right. What we do is we also would alternate that, or keep that opposite of Thanksgiving. So if one parents say, say, for example, your mom got Thanksgiving week, this year, your dad would get the first half of winter break. So he got Christmas. Cause no one parent would get the two major holidays.

Speaker 3: 14:19

Right. And

Matthew Brickman: 14:21

Then the next year it would flip. Your dad would have Thanksgiving, your moment again, Christmas. Now, one of the other ways to do this, um, is that you follow the regular schedule and you carve out just Christmas, even Christmas day. So for example, like one parent would get Christmas Eve until either the evening, like you guys did, or a lot of times people will pick like 10 or noon Christmas day because you don't want to wake a child up on Christmas morning and then have to rush them out the door to get parent. Right. And so, especially as, as, as they get older, it's harder to wake them up just like I'm sleeping in. I'm not getting off. Right. And so, um, and so, um, and then sometimes, sometimes just like in your situation, my situation, the parents are locked. One does one, one is the other bit, sometimes neither of them are committed to the week to Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, but they want the magic of waking up with the child Christmas morning so that we will find one year. Yeah. You know, mom will get Christmas Eve until a certain time on Christmas day, the dad will get Christmas day until the next morning on the 27th. And they go back to their regular schedule and then ended the following year. It'll re it'll flip and they have Christmas Eve until Christmas day. Um, sometimes what we'll do is if there's really little kids and they love the magic of that. And they, they, they like the idea of going with the break for travel, but they want to have the magic of waking up when we customize fine until your kid is eight years old, like the magic is gone, right. Finding until they're eight, you're going to follow a regular schedule and you're going to split Christmas, even Chris. But once they then return it, yeah. Well now we're going to cut it in half and we're going to alternate the hats so we can build this out and customize it. One of the other things we can do is we can, um, now, Oh, let me, let me just back up in Florida right now, winter break is typically about 18 days. So that's about nine days. Okay. So one of the other things that people do is, um, when they're, when they sort of want to have a hybrid and in Sydney, these are things that I've created through the years, just dealing with people and create these really cool hybrid situations where they want a little bit of travel, but they don't need nine days, but they still want to do the Christmas Christmas day thing. They're still working until Christmas Eve, Christmas day. Like, you know, all the little nuances that we keep discussing. And so here's here to here. Here's one way to do it, where the parties will follow their regular schedule. Cause you know, the kids get out like 18th, somewhere between the 18th and 21st, depending on the parties will follow their regular schedule until December 24th. And then December 24th, they'll exercise say timesharing with dad at 5:00 PM until 9:00 AM, December 25th. And then December 25th, they're with mom until 9:00 AM the 26th. And then on the 26th, they go back to their regular schedule. That's one to do it. The other way to do it is do that whole little split. But I follow the regular schedule until the 24th that you've got the 24th and 26 and then beginning 26, then they split it. The remainder of the break. Well that's generally five days each. So it does create a little bit of a travel. They still get to work until Christmas and they both get to share that Christmas Eve Christmas day experience.

Sydney Mitchell: 17:55

So for Thanksgiving break, is it something similar where, you know, they're going back and forth on the holiday day, but then the rest of the break remains the same.

Matthew Brickman: 18:04

So, so yes, people have done the same type of a hybrid for Thanksgiving. If they don't want to do the whole break, sometimes what they'll do is, you know, yeah, you can follow the regular schedule until Wednesday because, uh, because then Thanksgiving is Thursday and they'll split like Christmas Eve Christmas day, Thanksgiving Eve Thanksgiving day. And they'll split it very similar to where maybe one parent gets from 9:00 AM on Wednesday until 1:00 PM on Thanksgiving day. And the other one gets 1:00 PM on Thanksgiving day until 9:00 AM black Friday. And then they go back to their regular schedule sometimes though one, one parent may they're their family may traditionally always do an early dinner and the other one does late dinner. So maybe they're always spending Wednesday evening until Thursday midday with the same parent who doesn't alternate. Like this is where we get creative. Couple to couple family to family. There's lots of, there's lots of creative ways to do this

Sydney Mitchell: 19:08

Well up to the two parties to the, of whatever is best for them and their family.

Matthew Brickman: 19:13

Correct? Correct. Yeah. Um, now spring break, spring break, a couple of different ways to do it. Uh, number one, you can follow the regular schedule. So a lot of times when people have a two, two, five, five schedule, a two, two, three, three schedule, um, or seven, seven schedule, and they have one of those 50 50 schedules we talked about in the previous episode, then the parents will follow the regular schedule because by default they get half of it. Anyway, the other way to do it is, um, and this is generally, if the parents want to travel, then they alternate. Even an odd year. One parent will get an even year as the other parent gets an audio. And it just flips, like we had talked about for like an out of state schedule when you're talking to those model schedules, like one parent, or like if it's an in-state long distance where one parent gets every spring break, because other than that, like one parent just to kind of give the other parent every spring break when they live locally, like why would that right. Might as well alternate. Right, exactly. And then the other way to do it, if they don't have a 50, 50 time sharing schedule. So let's say for example, if they have something similar to like you had where your dad had every Wednesday and every other week, well then what you could do if you're not going to alternate the entire break, but you're going to split it evenly is the first half of the break goes to the parent who had the weekend prior to the break starting and half goes to the parent whose weekend falls in the second half of the break. So there's a lot of creative ways to do spring break.

Sydney Mitchell: 20:35

You said you, you stated in the document in a way that gives flexibility to the parties based upon what is happening that year, it doesn't tie them down. It gives them some flexibility. Exactly.

Matthew Brickman: 20:48

And then I want the parties to have, I always tell parties, the days of asking permission should be over, right? It'd be the days of notification, but it depends on what they choose and how they want to do their holidays. If they want to, if they want to split a holiday, I have to see my child Sydney, let me ask you this because I know I'd all I have is feedback from my kids, but you were a child of divorce. So did it suck ever having two birthdays, two Christmases, two Thanksgivings, two Easter, his,

Sydney Mitchell: 21:20

Well, I, I always tell people that, that in family, you know, twice the holidays and twice the family vacations are the two perks to living in a split home.

Matthew Brickman: 21:31

My kids always said, if there was a silver lining to divorce, we got two birthday parties, two Christmases, two Thanksgivings, like to graduation parties. Like even, even now that graduation party, like my daughter got multiple graduation parties from college. Like, you know, it's a surpassed far for pass the, the court order barricade point. But yeah, I mean, again, this is more for the parent to wrap their head around the fact that yes, you were not going to see your child on a holiday, but guess what your holiday is, whatever day you make, it

Sydney Mitchell: 22:03

Is everyone. Christmas is not actually December 25th or may not have actually been December.

Matthew Brickman: 22:09

I tell people all the time, your holiday is whatever day you make it.

Sydney Mitchell: 22:13

Yeah, no, it's true. And, and, and that, you know, that serves as an encouragement to families who feel maybe bound by a parenting plan that they have, or, you know, they're in the process of creating one or going to create one in the future. You know, there is freedom, you know, when, when, like you said, you get to make holidays whenever you want. I think that with that attitude and heart parents might be a little bit more flexible and willing to accommodate the needs and desires of the other party. Um, you know, with, with that frame of mind, I think that's, I think that's so, so good.

Matthew Brickman: 22:47

Yeah. So the last section we're going to wrap up time sharing is summer break, summer break can be done a lot of different ways. Um, a lot of it is logistics because luck parents work like parents aren't off all summer. Um, unless you're a teacher, unless you're a teacher, I've run into that. Oh yeah. Teachers are off, but generally people follow the regular schedule for the song, especially if you've got an equal timesharing schedule. If you've got an equal time sharing schedule, follow a regular schedule and you have half of it by default, you have 50 50, but then we build in two weeks of vacation. And so, and so you've got two weeks of vacation built in. Um, now Sydney, sometimes I've asked her if I'm I've, I've had people said, Hey, you know, we actually won. I had one, uh, last week, actually they wanted three weeks of vacation because they, they typically go home and home is Europe. And so, you know, they want that three weeks to really make it worth it. Um, I've had people that during the summer, they go to block schedule. So for example, you may have like your schedule where you, where your dad had every Wednesday and every other week, but then in the summer you guys go to week on week off, or maybe some parents will go to two weeks on two weeks off, they'll go to a little bit more of a block because it creates multiple points for vacation, but you do it. And it creates less, you know, less back and forth. But some of the logistics that come into that is summer camp. Like I always say, okay, what are you going to do with your kid during, during, during the summer? Because some summer camps are week long. Some of them are two weeks long. So that helps us figure out if they want to do one or two weeks. Like I like, like we had discussed with the models. Those are five weeks in five weeks. If the, if the parties are, are local and if they're not, then it's either six or eight weeks. If they're out of state, um, I've done, uh, parenting plans where it's three week blocks where, you know, in Florida, we've got 10 weeks of summer. So you may have three weeks with mom and then three weeks with dads. So there's your six weeks. Right? And then they each get a week and they go back to their regular schedule the week prior to school. So the child's back getting on their schedule for school. So lots and lots of creative ways to do summer. There is no right. And I tell people all the time, there's no right or wrong answer. This is how do you want to do your life now when picking summer, this is this, this, this is really good. Another trigger mechanism, just like we had talked like school Digger to keep them out of court when it comes to picking education. Right? Well, this is to keep people from fighting about vacations. So we've got in here that the parties are entitled to their two weeks vacation, whether that's one, two week break or two, one week breaks. Now we put in timelines, but Sydney, these timelines are tied to education. So still the little nuances of how this is all intertwined. So let's go back to the education section real quick. We go back to education under school calendar. We said that we were going to get the calendar by May 1st. Now, why May 1st? Well in Palm beach County, they have to release the school calendar for the next school year. By may, first of each year. Now they've generally been doing it before, except for the 2020, which every day has changed the rules on Everett. But generally they release it a little bit. Before that we put in here that you've got to get the school calendar audit before May 1st, because that's when the school releases that. But then when you're picking your summer, you have to notify the other parent of your two weeks by May 15th. Now, why May 15th? Well, until you get the calendar, you don't know when the child goes back to school, therefore you don't know how long this summer, right? And if the school calendar comes out on May 1st, that gives you two to look at the calendar to figure out what you want for your vacation. But May 15th is still two or three weeks before the child even gets out of school. So logistically it all works out right in that sense. So there's a lot of thought that goes, these are not just random dates that are just pulled out of it. There's a lot of thought that goes into this. So the parents will notify each other. There are two weeks by May 15th, but what if there's a conflict Sydney? What if you tell me Matthew, I went the last week of June and the first week of July. And I'm Michael Sydney. I'm taking the first two weeks of July. Well, we have a conflict. Well, if we can't work it out, guess what? Now we're going to either, I'm gonna steal from you. You're gonna steal from me. Now. One of us was going to file a motion for contempt enforcement on each other. Well, that's just dumb. So we, we build in a trigger mechanism to keep us out of court. If there is a conflict. So if you're picking the same dates or overlapping dates, if there's a conflict in the desire, dates of either party will then in even numbered years, fathers dates have preference in an odd numbered years. Other States have to reference, well, that's a great trigger mechanism. Now. It's like, Oh, well it's a 20, 20, sorry. I said, I went pick two other dates. Great, but bod, bud, bud. Now we have all of our exceptions failure to notify by May 15th results in a forfeiture of your right to supremacy. So let's say Sydney that you tell me by May 1st Matthew, I want the last week of June and the first week of July and you go ahead and buy tickets. You're like, you're ready. You're ready to go. And then come, you know, May 17th. I tell you, Oh, Sydney, um, I'm going to take the first two weeks of July. And you're like, no, I already bought tickets while it's an even numbered year. My dates high preference. Nope. I forfeit that preference. Cause I went past May 15th. That way I[inaudible] with your vacation, great trigger mechanism. Right. But then I've had this Sydney in the event that neither parent abides by the rules set forth in this paragraph. Like this happens. It did, this is why it's here. Like both of them ignored the May 15th date. And now they're both arguing over. Who's got preference. So if neither of them abide by the rules set forth in this paragraph and neither of them notified by May 15th then by automatic default, and even number years, father States have preference and odd number of years, mother's day mother's dates our preference, right?

Speaker 4: 29:11

So there's, if there's a conflict, then this is the default. Exactly. There's still a conflict. Yeah.

Matthew Brickman: 29:18

We have one more sentence. And this is new. And I got this from an attorney recently. So I added to my plan because he's been going to court and having to deal with this. And he's like, Matthew, put this in your plan, preventative maintenance. And I said to him, I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. And he was like, Oh no, no, no, no. I've been arguing this in of judges. I'm like, why? Here it is everybody. Any summer vacation, not utilized, expires and cannot be rolled into the next summer. There was a party that did not exercise their two weeks vacation for two years in a row and then came in and tried to get their four plus their two and take six out of 10 weeks.

Speaker 5: 30:07

There's no rollover timeshare. I was like, Oh my gosh.

Matthew Brickman: 30:12

I was like, Oh, I've never thought of that. I mean, look, I've been doing this a lot. I didn't do this for a long time, but people never, never cease to amaze me, but I'm like really? And he's like, Matthew, just add this to your plan. So that it's clear. Like,

Speaker 5: 30:28

No, I mean, it's, it's, it's good. It's good. It's good to have it in there.

Matthew Brickman: 30:32

Yeah. So, so, so then concluding time sharing the timesharing portion. The last piece is we've got to identify how many overnights per year, the other class and how many overnights the father has now, this Sydney, this is another bone of contention. So I have a program which I can calculate exactly what they have, but here's the problem. As, as these dates go, even an odd and depending on what they do with their vacations, like say for example, that Thanksgiving break your, you know, one, you know, father has it one year. Mother has it the next year. Well then the father is going to miss out on 10 overnights one year. But the next year he's going to have 10 more than normal. Right. Do basic math. Well, so I've had people that, that we've gone in here and just done. Okay. Mother has a total of 182 father has 183. No, that's not true. Because one year he may have actually 193 and she's going to have less well I've had people that have had that have filed motion for contempt enforcement said I did not get my 182 as the agreement says, they've gone into court. And the judge goes through the entire parenting plan. Sir. Did you get every single Monday? Tuesday? Yes. Did you get every single um, um, weekend every other week? Yes. Okay. Let's go to your holiday. Did you get father's day weekend? Yeah. Did you get your Thanksgiving break and odd numbered years? Yes. Did you get your winter break half of it this year? Uh, yes. Did you get spring break last year? Yes. Okay. Did you follow your regular schedule and get your two weeks vacation for summer? Yes. Okay. So why are you standing here? Because it didn't total 182 overnights, your honor, the judge is like, phew, with ready to just throw him through the wall. And it's like, no, you got your timesharing. This is, this is here, purely for what we need for child support purposes. Because child support's based on overnights is one of the major factors. So Sydney, here's what, here's what we've added. The mother has an approximate

Sydney Mitchell: 32:40

Approximate,

Matthew Brickman: 32:42

Absolutely. This total, that way they can't be like and complaining and going, Oh, I didn't get my number. Like if you're going to sit there and Mark a calendar and count all of it, you got way too much time on your hands and you need to, you need to take a frozen moment and let it go, right? Like dad, you got way too much animosity and you're carrying way too much baggage. Like, let it go already. In any case, this is what we have to do now to conclude the timesharing, give you one piece of human advice because you know, none of this is legal advice. I'm just giving everybody just what I do at mediation. But let me give a piece of cubit advice to everybody. And I accidentally learn this with my own kids, whatever your time sharing schedule is, whatever your weekday weekend schedule, whatever your holiday schedule, whatever your summers and your spring break and your winter break, whatever it looks like, take your kids to the dollar store, Kmart, Walmart, target, whatever store and let them every year pick out their favorite calendar, take them home and make a project of it. Mark up the calendar. Um, my son liked markers. My daughter likes stickers. And so we took our calendar and marked up the holidays, the weekends, the timesharing schedules and also gave, gave one to my ex for her to do the same thing. My kids had a visual hanging in their room in both homes that gave them such a sense of stability because they knew exactly where they were when they were going to be with me when they were going to be with their mom. Um, and you know, when, when their mom and I lived close, it was great because they would, they would call me like, Oh mom, you know, I'm going to be with you this weekend. Can you schedule a play date? Right. They were looking forward to, Oh my gosh, we're going to go away with mom for Thanksgiving. Look, it's mom's Thanksgiving coming up next month. You know, it, it gives such a great sense of stability.

Sydney Mitchell: 34:51

Yeah. And it's that you say that I remember always having a calendar up in my house to my dad's house. I always had a calendar right on the wall and my sister and I both did all the time and it really, it really did. It really did, especially when yeah. Traveling with family and making plans with friends, you know, in, especially as you get older as you're, you know, more active and more social. Yeah. It definitely does. So I can vouch for that.

Matthew Brickman: 35:13

Yep. So that is it on, uh, coming up in future episodes, we're going to be talking about transportation and exchange and then all of the travel notifications. Now that we've got the time sharing and we've talked about vacations, we've talked about the timesharing. Well now we've got to figure out, okay, how logistically are we going to make the time sharing work? How do we do this? And so we're going to get into that in the future. And then the next feature, occasionally Sydney and I will be releasing Q and a bonus episodes where we will answer work questions and give you a personal shout out.

Sydney Mitchell: 35:49

If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info@ichatmediation.com that's info@ichatmediation.com and stay tuned to hear your shout out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman: 36:05

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation Virtual Platform built by Cisco Communications. Visit me online at www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or email me at MBrickman@iChatMediation.com.