How Do I Center Myself Emotionally During A Turbulent Divorce?

A listener writes in and asks, "How do people center themselves emotionally during a turbulent divorce?" Matthew Brickman goes through the most popular options for getting through an emotionally charged divorce process. Matthew Brickman answers your most frequently asked questions about divorce as he goes over several key points:

• Assume nothing.
• Know who you are before you get married. 
• Know who you're getting married to. 
• Know the laws and statutes in the state you live in.
• Don't take advice from anyone who isn't a legal professional in the state in which you're getting married and living in.

If you have a matter, disagreement, or dispute you need professional help with then visit iMediate.com - Email mbrickman@ichatmediation or Call (877) 822-1479

Matthew Brickman is a Florida Supreme Court certified family and appellate mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. But what makes him qualified to speak on the subject of conflict resolution is his own personal experience with divorce.

Download Matthew's book on iTunes for FREE:
You're Not the Only One - The Agony of Divorce: The Joy of Peaceful Resolution

Matthew Brickman
President iMediate Inc.
Mediator 20836CFA
iMediateInc.com

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ABOUT MATTHEW BRICKMAN:
Matthew Brickman is a Supreme Court of Florida certified county civil family mediator who has worked in the 15th and 19th Judicial Circuit Courts since 2009 and 2006 respectively. He is also an appellate certified mediator who mediates a variety of small claims, civil, and family cases. Mr. Brickman recently graduated both the Harvard Business School Negotiation Mastery Program and the Negotiation Master Class at Harvard Law School.

Transcript

Sydney Mitchell: 0:00

Hi, my name is Sydney Mitchell.

Matthew Brickman: 0:02

Hi, I'm Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme Court mediator. Welcome to the Mediate This Podcast, where we discuss everything mediation and conflict resolution. I had a listener right in and ask, how do people center themselves emotionally during a turbulent divorce? That's an interesting question because I think it really depends. I've seen a lot of different ways that people do try to balance themselves, you know, try to center themselves during a turbulent divorce, sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully. Sometimes healthy, sometimes not healthy. I can tell you that one of the most popular, you know, if we're going to do like, you know, the top five things on the board, um, one of the most popular things that I see people do to try to center themselves emotionally during a turbulent divorce. Um, and I know a lot of you might be thinking therapy. I would say therapy is number two. Um, number one, usually people will bury themselves in their work. It seems to be therapeutic, it seems to be distracting, it's something that they can actually control, and nobody is telling them what to do. Um, it's simply they go to work, they enjoy their work, they're doing their work, um, and they may work longer hours, may pick up extra shifts. Um, it is a for a lot of people, it's a healthy distraction. Um, it can come into play when you get to mediation because um everyone's going, okay, you know, they work lots and lots and lots and lots of overtime. And of course, you know, that might be before you actually get your parenting planned and before you actually get your final judgment. And it's something that you have done to try to center yourself emotionally. And so now you're like, great, I'm trying to center myself, and now it's being used against me, really, because your most recent pay stubs are showing all of this overtime. Now you may come in and historically not have that type of overtime, but I do see it a lot where um when we're looking at pay stubs and there's an argument for alimony or child support uh and the incomes that we're going to use, one of the things that we use is we use the most recent pay stubs. We're looking usually at at least three to six months, maybe even 12 months of pay stubs. Now we do look at three years of tax returns, but we're looking at the pay stubs. And so a lot of times when people will bury themselves in their work to try to center themselves emotionally during a turbulent divorce, then in the mediation progress process or in the negotiations with the attorneys, uh in the discovery process, that can actually then cause even more turbulence. Um, so the second thing I see. The second thing I do see is therapy. Um, whether it uh whether the parties have tried uh couples' therapy, whether they have their children in therapy, whether they're getting their own individual therapy, um, therapy is a very good place to try to center yourself. Um, I am a huge advocate of anger management. I think that every single parent and depending on the age of the children that might be the collateral damage of this divorce, everybody needs to be taking anger management because there are uh feelings of resentment, anger, bitterness, rejection. Um they all will manifest themselves in various ways, and most people do not know the difference between responding and reacting. Most people do not know what their triggers are, they don't know what their hot buttons are. I will guarantee you that your spouse, they know. You each know each other's, but you rarely know your own. And so I am a huge advocate of anger management. Um, I actually took anger management after my divorce, and it was amazing. I have taken my children when they were teenagers, I took them through it twice, and it was very good. I have gone through it even since I've been divorced over 20 years as of the date of this recording, and I have gone through uh the anger management again and again because at different stages in my life I still learn about what makes me tech, what are my buttons, what irritates me, how can I be a better responder than reactor to other people, and uh so therapy. Huge advocate of uh anger management, but also a huge advocate of just therapy, you know, to deal with um maybe things from your past, uh, whether it be with your parents, whether it be with a previous spouse, uh, a family member. Um maybe there was unfortunately some abuse that went on when you were a child or younger, maybe there was neglect, but you need a safe space to be able to deal with these things because these things have shaped you into the individual that you are, and now they are a part of what you are currently experiencing as you go through this turbulent divorce. And you can run from that shadow for years and years and years, and when you turn around, it will still be there. So you might as well just face it head on and start to deal with it because the more you run, it's gonna run right there with you. So a huge advocate for uh for that. Now, what am I not an advocate for? Um, I have seen people try to center themselves. I I think it's unsuccessful uh for the most part, but I have seen people try to center themselves uh with alcohol. Um, that rarely is a good thing. Um, I don't know if I have ever met anybody on this planet that actually said, oh yeah, alcohol has totally improved my situation, it has improved my life, I am a better person because of it. Um I would not be uh the person I am without it, it's just absolutely amazing, improved my life, taking it to the next level. No, um, it doesn't make you smarter, it doesn't make you uh a better orator, it does not make you um, you know, a better individual. Usually people are doing rehab to try to kick the addiction because it did just the opposite. While they use it to numb uh the emotional uh feelings that they're having during a turbulent divorce, and they think that it's trying to center them, it usually is making things worse. Once you finally get to mediation or you start going through your divorce, um, usually that will be brought up and then tried to be used against you as you are an alcoholic, uh, you drive with the kids drunk, you've had the kids home and not paid attention to them, and all you care about is your drinking while they run around the house uh naked. I've heard so many different stories, but rarely does that work. Um, what else does not work? Well, drugs, drugs of any kind, whether it's a prescription drugs, uh, whether it is illicit drugs, whether you even have uh a prescription for what would otherwise be an illegal narcotic. Um just drugging yourself to deal with things emotionally during a turbulent divorce is rarely a good idea. That's usually where uh addictions happen. Um and um it's just not a good idea for the same reasons that alcohol is not a good idea. Not to mention it will be used against you in uh a final parenting plan or you know the final disillusion. So while you try to use it to center yourself, I would avoid it and recommend again going more towards therapy. Um, what else can center yourself emotionally during a turbulent divorce? Support groups, um, whether that is a community group, whether that is a church group, but getting around other people. When you are isolated, boy oh boy, the mind can do some crazy things. Um, and isolation is not good. Um, we are made for community, we are made to interact with each other. Now we do have introverts and extroverts, so we have our limits on interaction and community, but um alone is never a good idea, especially when you're dealing with the emotions and going through a turbulent divorce. So, you know, finding your people, find your community, find your tribe of people, um, so that you can have uh that that sort of center that you're looking for as you're going through. Have people that can speak words of encouragement. Do not find the people that are always gonna tell you what you want to hear, agree with you, and you know, bash the other party as you're going through this. That's not gonna find a center. That's going to push you into a left or a right side of the brain mentality. You're either gonna, you know, become very angry and judgmental, or you might be able to uh get creative. But find people that will speak truth, find people that will speak life to you, find people that will challenge your thinking. Um, I remember that my sister-in-law challenged my thinking. I remember at the time not wanting to listen to her, telling her that she did not understand. But looking back decades later, she was a hundred percent correct. She had me at heart. I was, you know, bet her best interest. She's looking out for me, even though she was not telling me what I wanted to hear, but it was something that I needed at the moment, it has stuck uh with me uh for decades, and it will most likely go with me to the grave that she was speaking the truth and speaking life to me, even though I didn't want to hear it. So yeah, find your tribe, find people, uh, a community to be around. Um, and again, whether it's a church-related group, whether it's a community group, whether it's neighbors, um family ziffy. Um, I would say it depends on your family. Um, because again, family may tell you what you want to hear. They have a skewed version, and usually it's your version. It's they know whatever you've told them, but that's not the entire story. So that might not be a center to always you know surround yourself, you know, to help you emotionally going through a turbulent divorce, which is why, again, going to therapy is good. You have a neutral person who can look at all angles and they have your best interests at heart, they're not there telling you what you want to hear. So that is you know my suggestion to you, um, whoever wrote this, um, to answer, you know, how would you center yourself emotionally during a turbulent divorce? Um, those are the ways that I would uh center myself. Um, one of the ways, and I'll leave you with this, one of the ways that I would steer clear of, and I'll finish this uh episode with steering clear. Steer clear of having your children become your confidant or your best friend trying to center yourself emotionally during a turbulent divorce. Your children do not need to be put in the middle, they do not need to know everything that you're feeling, thinking, and going through as an adult. Let your children be children. They are not your best friend, they should never be your best friend. They are your children, and uh even once you get your parenting plan, you are not to discuss the case, child support, time sharing, or anything of the like with the children at all, at any time. Your children are not to be messengers, to convey information, ask questions, or set up schedule changes between the other parent. So do not use your children to try to center yourself. Just like we started with, a lot of people will bury themselves in work. I have seen people bury themselves in their kids and their kids' activities, um, and then their kids are their entire world, and that makes it even harder to do uh the mediation, set up a parenting plan because if you have buried yourself and your kids, and now you're gonna go from oh wow, I buried myself to 50%, there's gonna be resistance, there's going to be issues both between the parent and the child, the child and the parent, because of that. Find that balance, but that balance needs to be centered, not you're going to bury yourself in one or the other. So there's uh for what it's worth, there's my input for your question, and I look forward to more questions in the future.

Sydney Mitchell: 13:58

If you have a comment or question regarding anything that we discuss, email us at info at iChatmediation.com. That's info at iChat ICHAT mediation.com. And stay tuned to hear your shout-out and have your question answered here on the show.

Matthew Brickman: 14:14

For more information about my services or to schedule your mediation with me, either in person or using my iChatMediation virtual platform built by Cisco Communications, visit me online at imediating.com. Call me at 561-262-9121, or toll free at 877-822-1479, or email me at MBRman at iChatMediation.com.